Parenthood is sacred to many. For reasons quite obvious and others which happen to be much more nuanced. Personal. To create life is an enormous responsibility. Whether it is viewed that way or not. In many cases, there are other goals that people want to achieve before the biggest one. A title of “Parent” is infinite. There are former teachers, accountants, athletes, news anchors, etc. The rank of mother and father follow you into the afterlife. Whichever one you believe to exist. Once you’re a parent you never relinquish the classification.
Many of the women I’ve dated recently, squarely in their late-thirties and forties are still waiting for that achievement.
They’re wondering why it’s been elusive.
Dating in this age range and at this point of my life has been remarkably revealing. Living in the moment, on so many dates, I’ve listened to perspectives that forced me to dissect and evaluate my opinions and beliefs.
I can’t say in the year that I’ve authored Dating Journal that my most profoundly intimate ideals have shifted but they have been gloriously challenged and I’ve viewed them from a set of eyes that don’t belong to me and welcomed new wisdom. There is tremendous character development in recognizing your blind spots and-or interrogating your core values. Fresh perspective.
Months ago, on a rather nippy winter evening - for Los Angeles - I was in the second or third quarter of a riveting conversation. You understand the sports metaphor, right? Professional basketball is a love of mine, specifically the NBA, and the games are contested over four quarters. If there’s a tie at the end of regulation…
Sean, get a hold of yourself. I’m sorry. Back to the piece…
I don’t adhere to a playlist of discussion topics on dates. I ask questions for… answers. No response? I move forward to another subject that I wish to mine.
The date was going well. It was a good idea for me to meet her even though the wind taunted us. Our dialogue broached past partners, dating with the intent of finding love, and our combined high expectations of relationships in the future. After several flirtatious glances we naturally reached the topic of children.
She offered a tale that was sweet, relatable, and crushing. I was with an accomplished, thoughtful, charismatic woman who took great pride in the course her life has taken. For a handful of seconds there was an unmistakable shift in her demeanor. She held back tears discussing that she wasn’t a mother.
It threw her.
Note: A recent Reddit deep-dive kept this topic fresh. I always knew that reddit was basically a chat board for every topic imaginable but it never drew me to it for any specific reason. Yet, when reading several channels dedicated to dating I’ve had to clutch my chest and gasp. People are emotionally splitting themselves in a way relative to harakiri.
Revealing the most gut-wrenching trials of a relationship. A loss of money, custody of kids, their sanity (in one case for a decade before said commenter was able to rebuild themselves to enter their now-teenagers’ lives), becoming victims of stalking, etc. One night, three hours strolled away from me in what felt like 30 minutes. It didn’t help that I had to report to set earlier than I was initially warned.
Back to my date:
We both made self-deprecating jokes about how our sexy talk elevated the tired, outdated, and boring norms of paint-by-numbers dating conversation.
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