The Dating Exchange - Pt. 3
A Friend With Benefits
Lucy: What I want to know is why is it so hard for men to be put in the friend-zone!? I don’t know if you have ever been put in the friend-zone, but how do you think I should tell a man I only want to be friends after one date?
S: Because it all but shuts the door on the possibility of sex. Men don’t usually become friends with women by choice; it’s the circumstance they accept once the woman decides that will be his role. A woman could be truly just searching for a friend whereas a man wants to befriend her – and bed her occasionally.
My female friends didn’t relegate me to the “friend-zone.” I’ve chosen to have them as friends because of who they are. I have never occupied that space, or been placed there, due to the fact that I always make my intentions known upon our initial meeting or over time if it’s a coworker, classmate, etc.; type of situation. I like a woman’s perspective. I have a great deal of strong, smart, independent, funny, and beautiful women to count on when I’m in search of knowledge. Also, I don’t cross the bedroom line with them. I respect our friendship. At that point the mere fact that they’re women is something that I don’t even consider.
Be direct with him. Tell him that you “only want to be friends.” Simple. Listen love, you’re basically fresh out of a divorce so you don’t have to feed anyone a bullshit excuse to make them feel better. It’s not being hurtful, it’s being honest about where you are at this point in YOUR life.
Here’s one free of charge, copy/paste your heart away: “You’re such a cool guy and I would like to remain friends. Since I just went through a rough breakup after 10 years, being a friend to anyone is all I can offer. I hope that’s OK and if not, I still think you’re great.”
On second thought you owe me a burger. Ha!
You said above that “it’s difficult to find someone that you want to have sex with.” Explain if you don’t mind. (You don’t.) What sparks that “want” in you?
Lucy: Thanks for your advice on the “only want to be friends” text, I hated it haha! He took it badly! I was open and honest and explained my situation, even said I can only offer friendship at this point, and he sulked! He said it always happens to him. Blah, blah, I apologised more than necessary but the guy was a mess!
S: Oh, well. You could’ve been mean but you weren’t. He’ll survive.
Lucy: Even after I had a 10-year relationship end, I am a lot more emotionally stable than that guy was. Here’s hoping it doesn’t happen again!
S: Hoping.
Lucy: As for your question… I don’t mind at all of course! But I’m not sure! Although, I consider having sex with any man that I find attractive, I guess I don’t ever really know if I want to have sex with them until I kiss them. I’ve kissed men before and even if they’re good kissers, it just feels like an act, like I’m just doing it.
I still enjoy it and I feel elated but nothing else. Whereas, last Saturday night for example, I kissed a man and it was sensual, erotic, and deep. I felt light-headed (I keep telling myself it wasn’t the booze!), there was a tingling sensation all over my body, a deep burning and I had this urge to remove his jeans and hike my skirt up right there! But unfortunately I’m not into having sex in front of a bar full of people.
S: You’re not? I had hopes for us. Lucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Lucy: I’ll buy you a burger and we can discuss desire in a lot more detail if you like. I’m curious to what your answer would be to your own question. But only if you buy me a bourbon of course.
S: Done. I know some bars in Los Angeles. Ha.
Lucy: Now, what I want to know is: If you had a girl approach you and after a bit of talking, dancing & kissing they tell you that they want a friend with benefits, how quickly would you try to bed her? Is it more appropriate to discuss what each other expects, or do you just meet up and get on with it?
S: First, I would thank the heavens that this woman actually exists – and I’m not in a dream, high as shit, or drunk. If she’s coming to me under those conditions then it’s a delicate balance of how to react. Sure I could try to rush to get her to my place (or hers) but doing that could torpedo the vibe between us.
Ironing out the conditions of the arrangement is important – after you’ve experienced the actual benefits though. If they aren’t what you expect in the bedroom then it’s just a one-night deal. It’s important to keep feeding the chemistry between us after she states her intentions and have sex that night. I’m direct so my response after her proposal would be, “Do you want this to start tonight?” It’s wise to capitalize on that moment – in the moment. As for expectations, find a consensus as two mature adults – and HONOR them – to ensure an enjoyable time together.
Say you’re in a heated moment, the chemistry is flowing, the attraction is mutual and things are going splendidly (insert kissing, touching, talking, dancing). What can he do/say to immediately force you to reject him and lose interest completely? Secondly, why do you think most women are reluctant to consider a FWB arrangement? They’re great and mutually beneficial.
Date four is loading…
February 19, 2016. This is a journal entry.
The Dating Exchange:
