The Dating Exchange - Pt. 4
A Friend With Benefits
Lucy: Things that will turn me off when there’s already chemistry is a very hard question to answer, but here’s a few personal experiences of me losing interest! OK, commenting on other women’s bodies, or blatantly checking out another woman will make me walk. They should only be focused on my body. Telling me how much they like porn; I honestly don’t care if they watch it or not, but it makes me think they expect me to act like a porn star in the sack. Come on, be realistic.
S: Wait, porn isn’t real?
Lucy: Looking around after to see if anyone else has seen us kissing with a big smug smile on their face is just childish. Looking less interested if I say I’m not, or can’t, go home with them that night. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever have sex with them. Idiots. Telling me they want to marry me and have my babies; saying it once is funny, keep going on about it and I think they must have problems. Being overly aggressive and literally trying to drag me to a cab is just plain weird.
S: And scary…
Lucy: Talking about how much money they have. I will tell them I don’t care and if they keep going, I’m out. Other than that, I guess I’ll need to do more research! As for your FWB question, I feel like most women are reluctant because in the end aren’t most people looking for love?
S: I’m the wrong person to ask that. Ha.
Lucy: Looking for that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with?
S: “Rest of their lives” is like 40-50 years together. Whoa.
Lucy: A lot of women grow up dreaming of getting married and it’s even worse when they’re the only single woman in their group of friends. It puts the question in their head “when will I get my happy ever after?”
S: I’m that person in my group of friends although some of them aren’t living that fairy tale at all.
Lucy: And as mutually beneficial as a FWB situation is, it also goes back to our conversation about women being called sluts for sleeping around. Even though it’s with one person they may also sleep with someone else as well if the opportunity presented itself, but if it’s only for the benefit of sex that brings “slut” to people’s minds.
S: Right. Like I said before, it’s unfair for women to get tagged with that shitty label.
Lucy: No woman wants to be called a slut. That seems like the primary reason for women to be reluctant to me. Men don’t get branded for sleeping around, but unfortunately women do.
S: Obvious double-standard.
Lucy: In regards to approaching a man about being FWB; let’s say both parties were drunk and going home that night wasn’t an option so numbers were exchanged. Then the next day a “catch up” was mentioned, but with no details. What’s the best approach for the woman to get this situation going? Do you get turned off by a woman saying what she wants? Or if she contacts you first? In the end aren’t we all adults here, can’t we just say it like it is?
S: I LOOOOOOOVE a woman who’s direct! A woman who’s direct, intelligent and confident (of course attractive) is the woman who will have my interest far longer than a woman that I’m just twisting into all types of positions. Tell me what you want from me, my love. I’m not a mind reader and I hate riddles. Speak up. The whole enigma regarding first contact is straight garbage! Garbage! It’s a turn-on if she reaches me before I get the chance to. If I had a great time on a date or just met someone new and exchanged numbers I’ll call/text whenever the feeling strikes. She gave me her information for a reason, correct? It’s to be used. Years ago I got this woman’s number, left her a voicemail minutes later to see if she made it home safely – there was a snowstorm in NYC – and she eventually became a serious girlfriend.
The best way to get the situation going is to keep it simple and direct, Lucy. State the things that you want while also being clear on deal-breakers. Be direct. Keep it simple. Tread carefully as I don’t want you to get hurt in any way so make sure to be blunt. Again I cannot stress this part enough: Honesty will be your best friend here. Don’t overlook it.
How do you feel about being the last single one in your group? (If that’s the case.) Is there anything you miss about being involved? I’m always conflicted about this.
Lucy: I absolutely love your answer to my last question.
S: Of course you do.
Lucy: (Silence) I’m new to dating and I was a bit weirded out when I received a text 3 days later from a man that I gave my number to. Surely there isn’t still people out there that think there’s a 3-day waiting rule? There isn’t! Knock it off this isn’t high-school.
S: Exactly. The exchange of contact info was the first step. Get on to the second.
Lucy: And thanks for the tip, I’ll make sure I’m completely honest with what I want when I go on my date tomorrow night. I’m looking forward to seeing how my FWB suggestion goes down!
S: So am I. Ha. I’ll be waiting up for you. Bring back some wings.
Lucy: Yes, I am the only single person in my group of friends. My family too, and I’m fine with that. They really enjoy hearing my stories about men hitting on me. Sometimes I think they’re living vicariously through me. A lot of them tell me I should put myself out there more to find love. Until I remind them I’m not looking for love and that I’ve given myself a strict “no boyfriends” rule for this year while I focus on myself.
S: Readers, that last sentence was code for “I’ve given myself a ‘no boyfriends’ rule for this year until I spend some time in L.A.”
Lucy: I really miss hugs! I find myself hugging anyone I can get my hands on. Haha! Other than that I really miss having that one person that you can say anything and everything to. That constant companionship where you feel like they are and will always be there for you no matter what. I know that’s one reason why I want to try a friends with benefits situation. Not to divulge every single dark, dirty secret to, but regular sex, hugs and friendship will help to fill some small missing part of me. Even if it’s just a little bit.
A fifth date is in the works.
February 19, 2016. This is a journal entry.
The Dating Exchange:
